Looking back [because I felt like writing something]

Yes yes yes, I know, I don’t update. I tend to fall into this habit with my blogs, I’ll start one when I start a new era of life, and write a few things then it dies, then I try and revive it and then I suddenly start a new era, and thus a new blog. I did this with journals when I was young too, I never “finish” one, as soon as I got a new one (either as a gift or one that I thought was pretty looking) I would write in that one and forget all others. I even just got a notebook at the beginning of my senior year of high school and wrote in it like 4 times.

I relish going back and reading those things though. Heck, here’s a quote from Christmas 2007 (found at one of my old blogs, pirandellian.livejournal.com).

Christmas is an interesting holiday, especially this year. For one, it’s my very last Christmas as a single woman. Technically, I should have been married by now, but all things considered I’m glad we postponed the wedding. We’re growing a lot and I’m realizing that one is never going to be truly ready to be married. Quite honestly, I’ve learned so much about Chris, myself and our relationship in the past year that I almost can’t remember how we used to be. Unfortunately I’m being brutally reminded of the “old” days of long distance due to Christopher being in New Hampshire for this week. Frankly, it’s awful. I wish that he was here so desperately that it’s clear to me that I must marry the man that I can’t help critiquing and getting annoyed with every day. And that is why people need to get married young. When you’re 21 you’re stupid enough to ignore the faults of someone just because you are desperately in love with them, even if the annoy the hell out of you.

Ah, the wisdom of youth (yeah, cause I was soooo much younger). And here’s another, older one of quite a different tone (dating back to July 2004).

After the worst weekend in my life, in which I was attacked by demons of my own self-doubt, fear, and unbelief, I am now a shell of my former self. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost all that was close to my heart, and am completely and totally dead on the inside. So this is the question, how am I supposed to go on? How am I supposed to lean on God, when I’m not even sure He’s there? Is this some kind of Job crap, and I’m just supposed to give it up to God? Cause if it is, well then I failed. And right now, I just don’t care. I just wish, that somehow, I can have something back. Something, anything.

Somehow, I think I remember what the situation was, but I do not remember exactly why I said the things I did.

It’s funny, my only blog that went on for a significant length of time with posts pretty regular was probably during one of the best/worst times of my life. It was during my last semester of high school and I was just dealing with so much stuff. I had my first boyfriend, my first break-up, I started dating my now husband, I realized that maybe I should do great things in life (although I have a vastly different idea of what those great things should be now), I was very depressed and ecstatically happy (I bounced around a lot). I learned a lot about myself that semester. And looking back, I can see how God was working in my life.

On a different track, I’m a serial blog lurker. I rarely post comments, but I keep up with my mom’s blog and her e-friend Kate’s blog. Honestly, these two women are geniuses and I can only hope to be as smart and motherly and wonderful as they are (at least on their blogs ;)). I learn so much from the both of them about how to be a mom and about the things that are important. I’m not quite an “official” mom yet, but I already can see how what I think is expressed so clearly by the two of them.

Which brings me back to my musings on the past blogs. I went through a lot of hard times. A lot of things changed in me and a lot of thing changed me. I can only hope that my kids will be able to work through the challenges that face them in their lives. I don’t want them to face things like major depression (like I did) but if that is the thing that God is going to use to work in them, then I am willing to be God’s personal assistant in that. Not to fault anyone (especially you Mom) but I really felt very very alone when I was going through many of my darkest times. I know now that I wasn’t, most of those times I had my Mom or more recently Chris, but I really want to make sure that my kids don’t go through that. I want to be there for them and I really pray that God will allow me to do that.

On a less intellectual or philosophical note, I’m getting terribly excited and nervous for my upcoming doctor’s appointment. I’m officially second trimester now and while my morning sickness is truly abating (I still have bad days, like today) I am having a lot of other… issues. Mainly just pain in my abs but that’s pretty much normal and a lot easier to deal with than not wanting to eat and then being sick all the time. I’m just very nervous about the appointment. I can not wait to hear the heart beat (and maybe even see Peanut!) but I am so so so so scared that we won’t be able to. And I’m just worried that something will be wrong. I’m trusting in God though, so I’m hoping everything will be fine.

And now it’s almost 11pm, so I should probably head to bed. I was up early this morning for an interview (I did get offered a position, I’m thinking about it over the weekend) but I took a nap, so I’m kinda not feeling too tired (which is silly).

And let me just say, reading about old high school friendships and shennanigans makes me both happy and sad. Quite the bittersweet sentiment.

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